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Brittany Bexton Journal - 


It Felt Like...

by Brittany Bexton on 12/13/16

It felt like drowning while trying desperately to tread water. It felt like exhaustion. It felt like screaming at the top of my lungs, but all that would come out was silence. It felt like fire in my gut. It felt like an elephant on my chest. It felt like a river of sickness; a river that flowed through my core and tried to engulf me. It felt like numbness. It felt like silence. It felt like the world was spinning out of control and I was helplessly sitting in the middle watching it all. It felt like striving. It felt like failing. It felt like I was mute, and even if I screamed, or cried, or spoke loudly, no one would hear. It felt like banging my head against a wall. It felt like being alone in a blank room, with no windows, and no doors. It felt lonely. It felt guilty, like somehow, some way, I could do something to make it better; I could do something differently. I could love enough, or hold back enough, or give enough, to make it ok, to make it work, to make it better, but there was nothing. Nothing I could do, no amount of love I could give, no change that I would make that would make it right. I couldn’t love him well, I couldn’t make him better.

I was never hit. I was never told I wasn’t good enough, or that I was stupid, and I was never directly torn down. It took me years to even realize that what I had gone through was abuse, because emotional and psychological abuse is subtle; it’s manipulative, and it’s covert. It doesn’t always rage in huge fights. It doesn’t always lash out. It’s the little things, day by day, that seem unimportant or insignificant at the time. It’s the moment where what you want is put aside for what they want, and it doesn’t seem like a big deal. Love and relationships are built on compromise right? But how many times did I agree to things I didn’t like, didn’t want, or agree to not have what I truly desired? It was the times I was unhappy, or sad, or angry, and my emotions got pushed to the wayside, minimized, or I was told to buck up; or, worst of all, shunned for having an emotional reaction at all. My feelings, my hurts, they were used against me. Instead of open discussions, it was guilt. It’s the times I brought up challenges we had, and was told I was overreacting, or crazy for getting upset, or told “what do you want me to do about it?” as if it was a threat, that if we even discussed my needs, I would be left, or hurt. It was the “jokes;” the sarcastic, condescending “jokes” that I was supposed to know were meant to be funny. Jokes that played on my emotions and worked on my fear. It was the subtle comments to hook me or guilt me. We’d been apart for a day, and I’d get a call saying “I miss you, it sucks missing you.” It was subtle comments about how other boyfriends got to cook their girlfriends dinner, but I had band practice, and he couldn’t. I only had band practice once a week at the time. It was comments like “That guy was staring at you during the whole party. It’s nice to have something that everyone else wants.” Something. Little comments that sounded sweet, or loving at the time, but stuck out in strange ways in my mind, because I’m not something that everyone wants. I’m not an object; I’m a person, not a possession. But that’s what abusers do. They don’t desire to love you; they desire to possess you. They desire to control you. Their “Love” is not real; it’s about ownership. Real love wants to protect its loved one; it wants to build them up, and encourage them. It desires to do things for the other, to give, share, and learn their heart. When he would actually lash out in a big way, which was rare, he would always apologize within a couple of days and explain away why he had lashed out, and call himself an a-hole. Then he would go back to being the sweet as pie guy I fell for. But it was those little things, the small digs, the icky “jokes” the minimizing of my feelings that tore me down over time. You can’t ignore your feelings or desires, without them being somewhat crushed. You can’t say no to your heart and soul, without simultaneously hardening and numbing them out. You can’t stop yourself from sharing your desires and feelings without slowly turning off your voice, and making yourself mute. That is the sickness of abuse. It tears you apart from the inside out before you even realize what’s going on. One morning you wake up with an elephant on your chest, a pit in your stomach, and you don’t know what happened. You don’t know how you got there.

In the beginning it seemed great. He showered me with affection, told me how special I was, and spent all his free time with me. He gave me gifts, and helped me learn lines. We’d stay up counting stars together and talking about our future. He talked about marriage in the first two weeks we were together.  Sounds romantic right? It was, it felt weird and amazing all at the same time. It was fast, and swept up, and intoxicating. But when I say it felt weird, I mean, there was a part of me, a small feeling in my gut that said, this is a lot really fast. I’m not used to spending this much time with someone and not having any independence, and I wasn’t sure how I felt about it. But I was being “love bombed.” When you are being showered with affection, attention, and compliments and you have chemistry with the person, it’s hard to think straight. Hard to listen to that gut sense saying maybe pull back a little and take things slowly because there’s a part of it that feels really good too. It’s easy to rationalize giving in to it. Any time he knew he’d crossed a line and pushed me away, or almost to my breaking point, he’d turn that charm back on, and we’d go through the whole cycle all over again. That is the way of abuse. It’s like a rollercoaster ride. It gets your blood pumping, it gets your adrenaline racing, and just went you think you’re at a smooth coast, you go racing down a steep hill, and end up at the bottom again, feeling confused, unhappy, and like someone has punched you in the gut. It’s easy to become almost obsessed with trying to bring back the good parts, trying to make things better, just to feel the high of things being good again. But you can’t do anything to change or control another person’s behavior. You can’t love someone enough to love them well, and make them better. No matter how hard you try, there is nothing that you can do to make it work. This is a truth that it took me a long time to learn. It didn’t take away the wounds, but it did stop the exhaustion of trying. Trying, and exhausting myself, because trying to control abuse is like banging your head against a wall, and running a marathon with no finish line.

Not all abuse is physical. Not all abuse leaves bruises, scars, or marks. Most abuse is not obvious; it’s hidden. People who abuse put on a really good show, especially for the outside world. They tend to be charming. They don’t just manipulate their victims; they manipulate the people around them. They isolate, they manipulate, and they tear down, little by little. They make you feel crazy. You shrink when you are with an abuser. You tone yourself down. You don’t mean to. You may not even realize you are doing it, but when you are with an abuser, you have to tone yourself down. It’s what happens automatically when you walk on eggshells, never knowing what you’re going to get. But we weren’t made to be toned down, for anyone. We were made to be fully ourselves, to shine our unique light into the world and make it a brighter place. If you feel like your light is being put out by the person you are with, love yourself enough to leave. And love them enough, to make them face themselves. When we stay with someone who is abusive, we enable them to continue their behavior. No one wins. If they have any desire to get better, any desire to change, they will not do it by getting what they want. They won’t change if they are being appeased or loved. They will choose to change, because it hurts too much to remain the same. It won’t hurt until they face true consequences. That’s what accountability truly is. Facing consequences of our behavior. In Al Anon, they say you have to hit a rock bottom before you decide to get better and make the changes. This is true for everyone. Tony Robbins said “Change happens when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change.” This is the absolute truth. When you are an empathetic person, it is easy to feel bad for someone who’s hurting, and get dragged right back into an unhealthy situation. But the truth about real love, is that it is based on truth, and truth involves consequences and pain sometimes. When we try to cover pain or make things better, we deny people their rock bottom, and the ability to change. Whether they ever do change, well, that is up to them, but there is nothing we can do to make it happen.

If you are going through abuse, know that you are not alone. Please know, that there is nothing wrong with you. You didn’t cause this; you didn’t attract this. Most abusive people are actually drawn to people who are really strong, amazing, and empathetic. They exploit our empathy, and take joy making themselves look good with someone they can put on a pedestal. You weren’t chosen as a victim because you are weak, or bad. You were chosen because you are a caring and empathetic person who is vibrant and amazing. You have nothing to be ashamed of. There are resources; there is support. Please feel free to reach out to me. If someone you love is going through abuse, don’t give up on them. Don’t stay silent; speak up. But don’t push them either. Show them you care, show them you are their for them. Express concern for their unhappiness. Remind them who they are, and how much they deserve to be happy. Do research on abuse so you can better help them.

Some helpful Articles:

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My Nashville Story

by Brittany Bexton on 04/14/15

  Hey y’all,

        I was talking to a friend the other day, when I mentioned something to them about my first few months in town, and they were flabbergasted. I realized I hadn’t shared my “Nashville Story” with them before. My “Nashville Story” is not a smooth one, it is crazy, bumpy, scary, and unreal, but it’s part of my story. For a while, I shared my experience with any new friends I made out here, just not publicly. Talking to my friend the other day, I realized that I have been so focused on my future and where I need to be in the present, that I haven’t thought about it in a long time. I also realized I was ready to share my story with all of you, as it no longer has any emotion attached to it for me. It has become a stepping stone, and not a challenge.

     I decided to move to Nashville on a whim. A whim mind you that I had done a lot of praying about. I’d asked God for guidance. I knew I needed to move for my music but didn’t know where, or when. Then one day, my answer came, in the form of a fellow musician telling me to move to Nashville. He said “Move, move tomorrow if you have to! You can’t get where you need to be here.” That was it for me; three days later I decided I was moving. Three months later, I had my pontiac vibe packed as full as I could get it, and I drove cross country for 4 days. The craziest part is that I had never been to Nashville in my life, I knew no one except the musician who’d told me to move, but he was always on the road, so it hardly counted. I was completely by myself.

     I had done my research before I came and decided that living in an apartment by myself wasn’t a good way to start, partially because of the cost of living alone, and partially because I didn’t want to get hooked into a long lease in a place I’d never been. So, I found a roommate on craigslist. I was supposed to have the 2nd bedroom in his 2 bedroom apartment, but when I arrived, someone else was still living in “my room” and hadn’t been asked to leave yet. I had no where else to go, so I slept awkwardly on the couch until I met 2 really nice girls at swing dancing that allowed me to stay with them while I looked for other living arrangements. I wrote “Somewhere In Between” in those first two weeks in town. I was literally in between everything! The unfortunate part is, I couldn’t find another living situation in a reasonable amount of time, so I ended up moving back into the original apartment once “my room” had been vacated. This was against my better judgement, and the better judgement of my friends. However, I felt I had no other option. I also thought the main problem was that the guy who was to be my roommate was a pushover and passive. I figured that wasn’t necessarily a bad thing for me to have to deal with.

     After my first month or so in town, it became clear that what I initially thought was passive, was actually passive aggressive. The guy that I shared that apartment with hated women. And he was constantly saying very strange passive aggressive things to me. Meanwhile, I was working double shifts almost every day at a restaurant, and doing music. I had no energy for the passive aggressive behavior. One night, I got home late after work, and the guy was waiting for me with a complaint about the fact that I had left my dishes from dinner in the sink when I left for my second shift. I told him I had every intention of cleaning them when I got home, and that’s exactly what I was going to do, but that I wouldn’t do his dishes also. When I told him I wouldn’t do his dishes, he lost it. He lost his mind. It was like something in him just snapped the way an animal loses control when it kills someone. The way someone snaps when they stab a person 30 times. His veins were popping out of his neck, he was pounding his fists on the counter, he was throwing things, and he was threatening me. He told me he would throw me and all of my belonging onto the street right then (1 am), among other threats. It’s like my heart stopped in that moment, and I knew if I said a word, and didn’t stay calm, he’d pull a knife out of the dishwasher and that would be it. I got very, very calm, and when he went back to the other side of the counter I told him I was already looking at other places to live, because I knew it wasn’t working for us to be roommates. He then lost it again. He raged at me for abandoning him to find another roommate and screwing him over financially by not giving him notice. Mind you, I hadn’t found a place yet. When he shut himself in his room, I locked myself in mine, and called a friend. I realized I wasn’t safe, and in the middle of the night, a friend and her boyfriend snuck me, my bunny, and as many of my belongings as we could out of the apartment.

      I filed a police report so it would be on record, and only went back with two guys for protection to move the rest of my belongings. The entire time I moved, he raged at me, followed me, and even threatened to kill me, in front of the two guys. It was the most horrendous hour I have ever been through. I had to calmly ignore him and keep moving, while he said, “Don’t you know you’re only about 80 pounds, I would have no problem getting rid of you. You’ll never make it in this town, you are weak and pitiful and can’t deal with anything, and I’ll make sure everyone here knows how crazy and insane you are and that they should never work with you. I’ll make sure you’ll never make it. You might as well go crying home now, cause you’ll never survive out here….” It went on, and on, and on. He tried to get me to clean the floorboards on my hands and knees before I left. The guys with me couldn’t do anything to stop this without causing an actual physical altercation. It was terrible.

     I stayed in my friends spare room until I could find an emergency place to live, and I thought I wouldn’t have to deal with him again. Until he continued to send me nasty threatening messages telling me I owed him money for utilities (he actually owed me money), and that if I didn’t give it to him, he would come and get it from me at work. I had to get a restraining order. Except, he didn’t let it stop their. For the next few months, he appealed the restraining order 2 times! I had to go to court 5 times total to keep the restraining order in place. By the time the nightmare was over, I had only been in town for about 6 months. I had recorded my first CD, and had my song aired on the radio for the first time, thanks to Billy Block. He was my first radio interview. I swore to myself that i would make sure to prove him wrong. Music is all I’ve ever wanted to do. Whether or not I’m going to make it has never been a question for me, it was always “when?” The only thing that got me through those months, and the 2 ½ years since is knowing without a doubt that THIS is my calling. This is where God wants me. This is where God planted me, and I would fulfill that calling. Music is beauty to me, it is life, it is love; it gives. It gives to me, and it allows me to give to others, which blesses me daily. Some of you are just getting to know me now, and some of you have been on this journey with me for a few years now. Some of you met me in the middle of that crisis. I am grateful to each and every one of you, every single day. You have sent me messages on the worst days of my life that made them brighter, and reminded me of why I do what I do. You are a daily beautiful reminder that everything I’ve done, everything I’ve worked for, and all that I’ve been through have a purpose, and it is being fulfilled by giving to you, and sharing this journey with you. Thank you for being on this ride with me!

      And as a final thought, life happens, pain happens, loss happens; but so do dreams, so does growth. No matter what has happened in your life, no matter what you are dealing with and going through, know that you have a purpose. Do not let circumstances take your joy. You can have joy even through tears and pain. But most importantly, do not let circumstances take your dreams. Your dreams are part of your purpose, they are who you are, and the world needs you.



Health & Beauty Must Haves

by Brittany Bexton on 07/08/14

       Every now and then people ask me what my beauty and health regimen is. So, I decided to share my daily must-haves with y’all! I don’t use a ton of products. I’ve found that simple and good quality is best.



The very first thing I do when I wake up is drink water. A regular size bottle of water is about right. It’s easy to get dehydrated overnight, and this is a good way to get your body going again right off the bat.

-I start my day off with my daily dose of vitamins and nutrients. 

I hate taking pills, so despite the fact that vitamins are great for you, I have never been good about taking them routinely. However, I need a daily boost of helpful nutrients to stay healthy. I have also dealt with chronic pain for years, due to a car accident, and after many years of lots of advil, I gave myself a stomach ulcer, and now am not allowed to take any anti-inflammatories. So I looked up all sorts of natural anti-inflammatories, such as turmeric and ginger, but was always disappointed that I could only find natural anti-inflammatories that were single ingredient pills. And they were all about $50 a bottle! Then my friend Alex introduced me to Zeal, because it had helped her with chronic pain due to fibro-myalgia. After testing it out, I was hooked! I feel amazing with Zeal.  My chronic pain is way better than it used to be. I was at the point that I was having to take heavy pain meds almost daily, and after I started drinking Zeal, I only had to take them twice that month! My general pain is WAY better, I feel more clear headed, and have more energy. The best part is that it is all my daily vitamins, minerals, omegas, probiotics, supperfoods, and natural Anti-inflammatories all rolled into one. Which means NO PILLS! It’s a powder I mix with water, shake up, and drink first thing in the morning, and I’m good for the day. And, it tastes good too! I’m so grateful I found a supplement that actually makes me feel better, and I look forward to drinking every morning. J

If you’re interested in Zeal, you can read the ingredients here:

& if you want to learn more, & try it, you can get it here:


-I Wash my face with honey

Yes, you heard that right, honey, the sticky stuff. How on earth did this start you wonder? Well, I’m allergic to everything chemical! If I use normal face washes, I start getting rashes. Rashes are not so attractive. Plus, those chemicals are not good for you. They say you shouldn’t put anything on your skin that you wouldn’t ingest? Did you know that honey is a natural anti-inflammatory, and a natural anti-bacterial? It is! It also moisturizes naturally. And, if it gets in your mouth it doesn’t taste nasty. J I use it exactly the way I would use a normal face wash. I wet my face down with water, pour a bit in my hand, and rub it all over my face. I usually wash my face through the abc song. (Ha! Yeah, I’m a goof!) If you want more of a deep clean, you can also use the honey as a mask, and let it sit for a while. When I started washing my face with honey, all the red spots and rashes I had went away, and my skin stays clear. J I recommend using a squeeze bottle, as it just makes it way easier! I’ve heard local honey is the best, but any kind will do. Best part is it’s way cheaper than regular face wash!

Here’s another article about the benefits of honey cleansing:


-I moisturize with Coconut Oil

Yep, another edible! This is an awesome oil, because it is solid at room temperature, which makes it feel less greasy as it goes on your skin than some oils do. Plus, your skin smells delicious and tropical. I use it on my face and body. It’s fantastic. Coconut oil also has a ton of amazing properties. It is a natural anti-inflammatory, a natural anti-bacterial, a natural anti-viral, a natural anti-fungal, and, it acts as a natural sunscreen. It helps with almost anything that ails you! It can help heal heartburn if you take a spoonful. I love to add it to my hot chocolate or coffee as well! If you have a Trader Joes near you, I highly recommend their jar of virgin coconut oil. J You should be able to get it at any grocery store though. You want to make sure you get virgin coconut oil.

Here’s a link where you can read more about the amazing benefits of coconut oil:


-Water, Water, Water.

I’m ending where I began, because this is the number one must have. I drink a TON of water. I drink at least 4 bottles a day. AT LEAST 4! More is better. You are supposed to have ½ your body weight in water (but convert the lbs to ounces). That’s a lot of water. It makes everything look and feel better. J Thanks to a good friend of mine, I have become a water snob too. J Some of it just tastes better! I love smart water when I can fork up the extra dough. Deja Blue is also great.


Anyhow, I hope this was helpful, enjoyable, and/or intriguing for you! J Love y’all! Until next time, enjoy your days, moments, and people you love!



God Has a Sense of Humor

by Brittany Bexton on 05/15/13

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the amazing ways that God works in our lives. Sometimes things in the music business (and life) get really hard, and it can be difficult to understand why things are happening the way they are. It makes me really lean into the verse “lean not on your own understanding…” I know God has a plan, and it is a great one, so I constantly remind myself of this. I’ve come to think of these difficult times as “Training.”

When you prepare to run a marathon, you train. You start running daily, adding miles on to your run week by week, until you have the stamina to run the whole marathon. The process can be stressful, exhausting, and painful, and it certainly takes a lot of drive and patience, but it’s far better than the alternative. If you were to jump into the full marathon distance all at once, you’d either seriously upset your body, or simply not be able to finish the race. I think God trains us in the same way. He knows the race that we have to run. He knows how great it is, and what we need to prepare for, so he sends us “training exercises.”

 Recently I’ve been in the middle of a few more of God’s little “training exercises.” I’ve been looking for a few new guitar players, because my guitar player has some new projects that won’t allow him to play regularly with me anymore, and I’ve been looking for a new show for CMA Fest, because the one I booked 5 months ago, just got cancelled. So, yesterday, I went downtown and beat the pavement, looking for a new show. It was 90 degrees out, and I was starting to feel frustrated, and suddenly I felt my phone buzz. I pull it out of my pocket, and realize that it was the bands in town app on my phone. For those of you who are not familiar with it, it is an app that lets you know when artists are playing in your area. Well, the update on my bands in town app was to inform me that “Brittany Bexton had a show during CMA Fest.” Mind you, this is the same show, that has been cancelled, and there I was, pounding the pavement looking for a replacement show right as I receive this update!  It was a good reminder, that God might put us through painful “training exercises” but He has a sense of humor too, and in that moment, all I could do was laugh! By the way, not to worry, I will have a show during CMA Fest, I’ll let you know the details when I confirm. Thank you for your patience and support! I love y’all!


Ps. Don’t forget to laugh at the little things. :)


by Brittany Bexton on 03/20/13

     I’m sure we’ve all had our hearts broken at some point; Suffered a blow so shocking that it felt like someone took the breath right out of your chest. That moment that everything you dread comes crashing in all at once, and you feel sick, because no matter how hard you try to make sense of it, you can’t. Some things just can’t be made sense of in this lifetime. Today I heard some extremely sad news. A fellow artist, who I know only well enough to know she is a kind person, who is working extremely hard, lost someone dear to her today. Someone who she never would have expected to lose, her 30 year old boyfriend. And with his passing, comes the loss of a dear friend to many other people I know. When I heard the news, my heart literally broke for her, and I got on my knees, and said a tearful prayer for her. I know what it’s like to suffer serious loss, and I know that this is the most devastating kind of loss. It was totally unexpected, and unexplained, and there is nothing that any of us can do to change it. Wow. To wrap your head, and heart around that, is just not possible.

       The music business is a hard business. It means dealing with a lot of rejection, working really hard, not having a lot of time to connect with people, and it can be very lonely. The are only a few things that we can truly cling to in this business; our faith, the belief that what we are doing and the music we are making is worth something, is our calling, and can make a difference, and last, but of huge importance, the people we love who are close to us, believe in us, and make the journey easier. Today, a fellow artist lost one of her rocks, her partner, friend, and love. Please pray for her, as well as his family and other friends. I know that prayers can truly bring comfort and healing. And please, as you continue through this week, remember the ones you love, your family, friends, and lovers. Take the time to call the people you haven’t spoken to in a while. Cherish this moment, and be grateful for every second you have. Lets honor his life in this way. I love you all, and am grateful for your support.




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